My partner and I had planned on adopting for a long time. We had so many hurdles and things in the way. Then the State allowed same sex adoptions and our opportunity opened up. We had been planning it for a quite a while now. We were to begin what was a series of Saturday adoption classes for 11 weeks straight.
I don’t know what happened but late Friday, I could not take it anymore. I had felt the weight or stress thinking about this adoption, it was truly something we both wanted and we would have made wonderful parents. I am afraid my past and selfishness presented itself. I realized I could not go through with it. I really wanted to and I would have made it work, but I couldn’t. The things that I have been through and seen, plus fears of repeating the past haunted and haunts me. How could I bring a child into my world that “is wonderful” but has seen it share of downs.
I am going on 40 and feel so much older, I have stressed most of my life on just surviving, being better, not being ashamed of who I am, trying to leave my crazy mother behind me, trying to forget my Dad gave up on me and himself. This isn’t “poor, poor me” this is reality. As much as I want to say, things haven’t been that bad, and things are great now. “Which they are so good now”. My mind hurts, I feel much older there than what my body is.
A child being adopted deserves more, they have already seen the nightmares I have, even more so. I don’t have it in me to be strong for someone else anymore. I have done that too much, I have myself and life in a place where I am happy and the things I have wanted I have achieved. I have a wonderful partner and beautiful home, my biggest fear was letting him down, instead he just said to me “I just want you to be happy” without even thinking of himself. I then realized, he makes me happy, my life is happy.
I pray for every adoptive child out there, I wish them the best and a happy loving home. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it, but I have to be honest with them and myself and say – I am just not able to do this.
Thank you Shannon for loving me and when I feel very alone in this world, I have the security of knowing you are there.
Posted by tressa on January 16, 2010 at 9:55 pm
wow…how hard that has to have been!!! We all love you, and understand. This has been a great process for you and Shannon. Whether you decide to not ever adopt or just postpone it, we understand ,and it takes a much greater person to acknowledge and put a child first and say I am not what I want for my child. Very unselfish… You have been through a lot in your life, never been able to fully trust anyone, or motives. Shannon has been such a blessing in your life, maybe you needed this process to fully understand this!!!! Don’t beat yourself up over this decision, just learn from it. We love you….
Posted by Tammy on January 18, 2010 at 5:59 pm
You have to do what is right for you and Shannon. Realizing this now before you had already gone through with it is a huge blessing. It isn’t a selfish or uncaring act that made you decide this. It must be the right thing for you and the child. It is more thoughtful and kind not to put a child through it if you aren’t 100% sure. Who knows, some day in the future you might change your mind, but for now go with what you think is best. God leads us in the right direction if we will listen to him. This has been a great process in your own self discovery. The things you had to do to get ready for this has probably been exactly what you needed to help you figure things out. Who knows where this will lead for you. You are a great and caring person and we love you very much!!!