16
Jan
Posted by jostheun in Uncategorized. 2 Comments
My partner and I had planned on adopting for a long time. We had so many hurdles and things in the way. Then the State allowed same sex adoptions and our opportunity opened up. We had been planning it for a quite a while now. We were to begin what was a series of Saturday adoption classes for 11 weeks straight.
I don’t know what happened but late Friday, I could not take it anymore. I had felt the weight or stress thinking about this adoption, it was truly something we both wanted and we would have made wonderful parents. I am afraid my past and selfishness presented itself. I realized I could not go through with it. I really wanted to and I would have made it work, but I couldn’t. The things that I have been through and seen, plus fears of repeating the past haunted and haunts me. How could I bring a child into my world that “is wonderful” but has seen it share of downs.
I am going on 40 and feel so much older, I have stressed most of my life on just surviving, being better, not being ashamed of who I am, trying to leave my crazy mother behind me, trying to forget my Dad gave up on me and himself. This isn’t “poor, poor me” this is reality. As much as I want to say, things haven’t been that bad, and things are great now. “Which they are so good now”. My mind hurts, I feel much older there than what my body is.
A child being adopted deserves more, they have already seen the nightmares I have, even more so. I don’t have it in me to be strong for someone else anymore. I have done that too much, I have myself and life in a place where I am happy and the things I have wanted I have achieved. I have a wonderful partner and beautiful home, my biggest fear was letting him down, instead he just said to me “I just want you to be happy” without even thinking of himself. I then realized, he makes me happy, my life is happy.
I pray for every adoptive child out there, I wish them the best and a happy loving home. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it, but I have to be honest with them and myself and say – I am just not able to do this.
Thank you Shannon for loving me and when I feel very alone in this world, I have the security of knowing you are there.
17
Dec
Posted by jostheun in Uncategorized. 1 Comment
16
Sep
Posted by jostheun in Uncategorized. Tagged: Autobiography, Book. 1 Comment
Currently working on my Autobiography – I am 48 pages in and only been working on it 2 day! Real life is easier than an actual story…..WOW…do the memories flood back in.
8
Sep
Posted by jostheun in Uncategorized. Tagged: Corn Maze, Fall, Kids, Leaves, Memory, Pumpkin, Season, Summer. Leave a Comment
Fall – so many things it means to me. Fall is the end of Summer which is my least favorite Season. Summer brings memories that I don’t care for, Fall meant change, the smell of the leaves and the air, coolness that makes you pay attention just a little more.
Fall is colors, smells and warm blankets to snuggle in.
Fall is Pumpkins and Corn Mazes (look them up, they are fun).
Fall is the sound of leaves blowing around and kids jumping in the middle of them.
I LOVE FALL!!
11
Aug
Posted by jostheun in Uncategorized. Tagged: Abuse, Charity, Economy, Effect, Fear, Greed, Hitler, Obama, Sexual Orientation. 1 Comment
I have to wonder if the US is coming to the reality that we have literally exhausted every possible liberty and freedom resource we have.
What I mean – that as I watch TV and see the news and people standing up and holding banners that Obama is equal to Hitler, and people screaming about health care and jobs and housing, I would like those same people to stop, shut up and look at how they have treated others that may not agree with them initially or at all. Those who are now afraid of losing their rights, their freedom, don’t give a 2nd fucking look as to how they treated someone of color, sexual orientation or different nationality. NOW let me say – it’s scary isn’t it!! To think your rights, your freedom, the things you fight so hard to keep in this life are possibly going to be taken by someone who doesn’t know you, never knew you or your situation.
Well funny how the tide turns – I’m sorry but maybe if those same people will SHUT UP, PAY ATTENTION, OPEN THEIR MINDS, STOP THEIR GREED – just maybe things could start to get better. My fear is it is too late, we live in a society that has had SO much, yet appreciates SO little. Charity isn’t just giving, it’s acting, it’s helping others, it’s sharing what you have, it’s giving a flying fuck about everything and everyone around you and not just short term – it’s long term – as we are feeling the effects of our abuse.
We’ve taken the forbidden fruit and it’s too late to give it back.
You should be worried too – you really should!
17
Jul
Posted by jostheun in Uncategorized. Tagged: Harvest Moon, Poety, Ralph Ealdo Emerson, The Apology. Leave a Comment
Think me not unkind and rude,
That I walk alone in grove and glen;
I go to the god of the wood
To fetch his word to men.
Tax not my sloth that I
Fold my arms beside the brook;
Each cloud that floated in the sky
Writes a letter in my book.
Chide me not, laborious band,
For the idle flowers I brought;
Every aster in my hand
Goes home loaded with a thought.
There was never mystery,
But ’tis figured in the flowers,
Was never secret history,
But birds tell it in the bowers.
One harvest from thy field
Homeward brought the oxen strong;
A second crop thine acres yield,
Which I gather in a song.
16
Jul
Posted by jostheun in Uncategorized. Tagged: Bruno, Movie, Sacha Baren Cohen, Suck. 1 Comment
Sacha Baron Cohen must have a screw loose. He is the type of person that I would love to cut his nads off and probably would if I saw him in person.
He is making stereo types that are already in the public eye even worse – there is no way in hell that a black man would allow a white man to go black faced and get away with it. I support the boycott of his stupidity and any movie that he chooses to do in the future.
So for Sacha who assumes he is funny – you will get yours – this is what I’ll live for.
6
Jul
Posted by jostheun in Uncategorized. Tagged: Beat It, Billie Jean, Michael Jackson, MJ, Music, Singing, Talent, Thriller. Leave a Comment
It’s been years since I was crazy about Michael Jackson – but when I was younger he was the “it” thing. When my Dad passed away, MJ was all I knew, I threw myself into music, it was my escape, my reality (or so I thought). MJ brought something different into light, dance, style, singing talent, and honestly someone that wasn’t singing something that sounded like drums on acid.
MJ was before his time and unfortunately people around him knew it too – I feel that he fell into the frying pan and everyone was turning up the heat. Some things we just can’t explain but how many of us can explain everything and find reason for everything they have done? Those that can probably have a skewed view of themselves.
MJ was talented no denying – I pray his soul has found peace and people that have judged or for all of us that will never know the truth about him I pray we can respect his life (the man) and not (the deeds).
So Goodbye MJ – thank you for what you gave me – a little happiness in music and in life.
21
Jun
Posted by jostheun in Uncategorized. Tagged: birthday, cancer, father, feelings, Life, Love, mother. 2 Comments
I haven’t posted in a while, I guess life has been busy. I had some strange news on my Birthday this year (what great timing). I found out that the Mother I have never really known has Cancer. I feel tossed on actually how to feel, do I care, how could I not?
How do you care for a Mother you don’t really know, of course I could ask that of my Dad, how could I care for a man that gave up. My Dad supposedly had Cancer too, the only way I really know, is that years ago after he passed I received a medical bill from the Hospital collection department wanting payment. I hate it is he felt so alone in this world that there was no other way out – even though I have had those thoughts myself.
Though these days I don’t look for sympathy – I did when I was younger – I feel that life just has a plan for us – it may not be the plan we would like – but none the less it’s what we have been given. We can choose to let it decide our path in life or we can rise above and find the strength to do whatever it takes not to repeat the past or let it take control.
I’ve delt with things for years and have changed much over this time. I find pleasure in things that I know won’t let you down and find myself trying to hang onto things that can’t be held onto. I look around and I see so much selfishness in the world, people wanting more, treating others without respect and acting like they are above everyone else. I don’t understand why people just feel they are invincible to the things – what doesn’t catch up to you now – will catch up to you later. Nothing is ignored and nothing forgotten – I’ve had my moments in life when I was younger, I did my share of things I regret – though as an Adult, I try to be the best person I can be – no one is perfect – but we can all be better – try harder – give more – care more – respect more – love more.
Life is short – too short – make the most of it – words are cheap and actions deep.
22
Apr
Posted by jostheun in Uncategorized. Tagged: America, Blog, Change, Cheat, Cheating, Fickle, Greed, Hungry, Power, US, USA. Leave a Comment
America is fickle – we only see the bad things, when times get bad. We only see the good things, when time are good. When do we wake up and see what is actually going on?
I mentioned in prior blogs about things getting really bad in the US before it starts to change and I find it laughable that idiot politicians (elected by us I may add) still don’t see everything for what it is.
Greed, Power, Overlooking the hungry, Ignoring the cheating happening in our Schools…..and people actually ask (What went wrong) WOW – it’s so tired…..America has and is getting it’s wake up call.
We aren’t always right, we aren’t always the best…..Sometimes we are wrong, sometimes we are the less than are best.
I’m just sadden that the men and women who fought for this Country previously and have passed, may have to look down and ask “what was it all for” ”why did we fight so hard”.
I am tired of people saying “I can’t change it” ”I can’t make a difference” “I’m just one man/woman” HAVE YOU TRIED??
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